Today marked the beginning of my journey to become emotionally well. In grad school to get my MSW (Masters in Social Work for those that actually make $$$ at their occupation) they constantly told us that "to be good therapists you have to see a therapist". I poo pooed such advice over and over again stating that I was "too busy" or "not crazy enough" to see one. Last year I went to a fellow MSW for counseling. I would call her more of a life coach since she seemed quite interested in my "shakras" and what essential oils would calm me down the most. God love her, she was a trip. Unfortunately, deep down I knew that I was not really improving my emotional state discussing how to become a licensed yoga instructor and how I should never live on west side of town because it "sucks you in".
After having my voice teacher notice that I cannot relax my shoulders and jaw muscles unless consciously thinking about it, a few crying fits and getting up in the middle of the night to write lists of crap I had to do the next day even though I had already written the list 2-3 times, I figured it was time to let my friend who I payed a $50 copay to, go. I need a therapist was going to help me on my journey, help me make it through the hard stuff of life without shutting down completely. I feel like this was kind of a mature realization that I didn't need another friend...I needed someone that did not expect me to give anything to her (except a hefty fee, the badasses in the mental health field rarely take insurance..) and was only there to help ME.
So today at 3:30 PM I found myself in a hella nice office that was clear of any personality and very neutrally toned. Browns, beiges and soft off whites really do have a calming affect. I will call this psychologist, doctor uh P. Dr. P. Dr. P was extremely sweet and shook her head at every thing I said to make sure I knew she was listening. She also did this thing where she looked up and really thought about what I had just said. Homegirl's got skills. She has probably heard the "My mom calls me fat sometimes and her nagging has made me want to be a perfectionist in all facets of my life" crap a million times, but her expression and mannerisms made it seem like this was the first time she has heard these words. She then asked me a question, "Meredith, how anxious are you now?" Wow. Threw me off there a little Dr. P. "Uhhh, uh, um I mean, 6-7?" This lady had met me for like 20 minutes and could tell I was as wound up as a top.
So that was pretty much the most eventful thing that occurred in today's first real therapy session. I didn't need the tissues perfectly perched on the neutral beige coffee table by my seat and I did not make some amazing self-discovery. I didn't learn the secret to living well across all the parts of my life. But I felt like someone kind of got me today. That never hurts:)
Well I am out. Real Housewives of BH Finale PLUS one hour of the Reunion special is on tonight. xoxox- MERica.
ps. Not all these blogs are going to be about therapy, but about wellness. So if you don't like psychobabble...you may still be interested.